Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Is It Worth It?

The past 2 weeks have been hell, absolute HELL! We've been trying to get Grace to sleep in her crib and to say it's not going well is an under statement. Every night we try to get her to sleep in her crib and every night we fail! We've tried changing the order of bed time events, changing the lighting, changing the time, changing the sounds, changing our methods, yet every time we fail. We have made no progress what so ever and in fact she is now sleeping worse then ever.

Take last night for example: so Grace woke up from her evening nap around 6, I started dinner while she played in her high chair. She sang, I danced will I cooked, then as dinner was done, she decided she was too. So I placed her in her bouncy chair while I tried to eat dinner, no go. So, I brought her into her room to start our bedtime routine, now it's 7pm. First I changed her, gave her her medicine, gave her a massage, fed her, then we read 3 books. No sign of tiredness yet, so we started a 4th book, finally some eye rubbing and yawning. So I placed her in her crib, turned on the light show, turned off her lights and left the room @740pm.

Now the fun starts, she's fine until the light show stops, then she starts to fuss(I'm okay letting her fuss it out, but not cry it out, I just don't believe in it). After 5 minutes of fussing she's now crying, so I go in place my hand on her belly, shush her, tell her it's time for bed, turn on the glo-worm and exit the room.

Again she's fine for a few minutes, but then cries. I go in repeat the above process, leave the room and she cries immediately. I wait a few minutes again, but now she's screaming, so I go in try to calm her down, this time I don't even make it to the door before she is full out screaming again. SO, once again I go back to her crib and try to calm her down, but this time she won't calm down, so I pick her up, still screaming, walk her around the room (still screaming). Finally I leave the room, still holding her, she settles down. I decide I'll feed her and try again, but first I must pee because it's 9pm already.

I try to place her in her swing for a minute so I can pee, and she loses it, I mean absolutely loses it! She begins to scream so hard that she's not making any noise, but simply turning shades of red. She finally lets out the cries and can't stop, she now screams so hard she aggravates her reflux and pukes. I decide peeing is not that important and pick her up to calm her down. It takes a few minutes but she finally relaxes and I feed her, she falls asleep on me and sleeps for only 40 minutes and I can finally eat dinner.

Grace then decides to poop, which wakes her up. I change her and try to get her back to sleep, no go. I hand her to Daddy to see if she'll play for a a few minutes, no go! SO we start the whole bed time process again, now it's 11pm and she is still not sleeping .

We throw in the towel @ 12am with the crib and decide to walk her to sleep and then let her sleep on me, but she's so over tired and woren out from crying that this takes until 3am to work. SO, 8 HOURS after starting to put her to bed she's asleep and now I can't sleep because I'm so stressed out and we have a doctor's appointment early in the morning, which means we have to be at 730am.

So, I begin to wonder, is this worth it?
Do I really keep doing this every night?

Before we started trying to put her in her crib she was a good sleep, would sleep all night on me. And now, she's an awful sleep, has a hard time even sleeping on me!

Why did I even start this? So, she'd get a better sleep? Well that's not happening! So I'd get a better sleep? Well that's not happening either! So, I could clean my house at night? Well, I certainly don't have time for that either, because it takes 8 hours to put her to bed.

Do I just keep doing this because I that's what others think I should be doing? Is her being in her crib right now all that important?

Maybe she's just not ready yet. Maybe she needs a few more weeks. Maybe she needs some more Mommy time. Maybe she'll just be slower with letting go. Maybe she'll need me to stay a little longer than the other parents her first day of school, and maybe she'll still be a college grad living with her parents long after all her friends have moved out, just maybe. Is that really all that bad?

I'm so unsure of what to do, of what's the right thing. I know she'll eventually sleep in her crib, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. This crib thing is not making me a happy mommy. I just want to be able to enjoy her at night. I'm sick of both of us spending the night crying. Is it really worth it?

Maybe we just need to take a break for a week or two, regroup, and try again

My mommy instincts tell me she's just not ready, but I feel so pressured by society to keep trying. I'm thinking I'll probably go with my Mommy instincts and give it a rest for a while.

Who knows?

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