Bookworms

Grace has been going to bed all by herself without anyone laying down with her, which is a huge deal, seeing as for the last 2.5 years Grace has slept with either Cole or myself. Before bed every night Grace picks out a book to bring upstairs with her, the funny thing is that she doesn't want me to read, nor does she want to read it herself. In fact she just wants me to tuck it in next to her in bed! I don't know why she insists on snuggling a book at night, I ask if she wants any stuffed animals to snuggle with, but she always says she just wants her book. Every night Grace picks out a new book and gets very mad at me if the book from the night before is still in her bed.

Speaking of books I have started reading for fun as well...say what! I'm on my 3rd Jodi Picoult book this month. I'm really enjoying reading and don't really know how I find time to read, but I do! So far I've read "19 Minutes," "The Pact," and I'm currently reading "Handle With Care." I really like Jodi Picoult but I feel like I need to switch it up after I finish this book, so if anyone has any other fictional books to recommend that would be great!

Random Happenings

Just some random things that have been happening in our house lately!

Carter likes to use poor Emma as am arm rest!

Emma and Carter have suddenly gotten so big and love to play! They are reaching for toys and putting them in their mouths!

We finally got our 2nd exersaucer out of the basement so Emma and Carter won't have to take turns now. I also busted out the swing this past weekend. Both babies have been fighting their naps, so I thought I'd try the swing and they both LOVE it! Problem is that we only have one right now. Carter also has taken two naps in the crib the past few days!

Emma still loves her hands and stares at them all day long! Although it often looks like she's practicing karate.

Carter is trying to be a big boy and really wants to hold is own bottle.

This past Friday was a rainy day and Cole didn't have to work so we all went to the mall to pass some time. We let Grace stop and play in the arcade and she had a blast!

We've been slowly trying to add some dairy into Grace's food over the past month to see if she has grow out of her dairy allergy. We started off very slow with just foods that may contain dairy, then slowly added some into her food, then I'd put a tiny bit of cheese on her pizza. She hadn't been having any reactions to any of the dairy so after the arcade on Friday we went to Friendlys and let her eat some really ice cream for the first time!

She loved it and didn't have any reactions! It almost seems like she used to have a reaction to her poop after eating dairy but now where she is potty trained the poop doesn't touch her skin so she isn't reacting to it.

After the mall on Friday Grace's hair was a mess from the rain, so I decided to give her a wacky hairstyle to go with her wacky hair!

I've been trying to switch up Grace's hair style to find something to do with it other then pigtails, but I still love the pigtails the best.

Carter is such a ham and often flashes this smile for the camera.

Emma on the other hand often flashes me this look!

The pediatrician the other day recommended starting some foods with the babies. I picked up a sweet potato on Saturday at Whole Foods to cook up for them. Sunday morning I fed them some, I didn't think Carter would eat any since he just gags on cereal, but he loved it!

Emma loved it as well, but I expected that since she loves the cereal too.

two very messy babies!

Updates

I wrote this blog the other day, today was our Dr.'s appointment, so I thought I'd update ya'll. I ran to my OB while Cole took the babies next door to the Pedi's office. As far as my incision goes, it's still open and really red. My OB thinks it looks like it is starting to heal on it's own, so she's leaving it alone for now. She did give me another prescription for 2 antibiotics, both are topical this time, so we'll see if those work any better. This will be my 4th round of antibiotics since I had the babies!

As far as the babies go, we got really rushed out of the Pedi's office, I don't think she was having a good day and it showed. The doctor we had today was shocked how low the babies Zantac dose was and actually increased it by 3 times what they were getting, no wonder why it wasn't working. She also suggested trying soy formula with the babies to see if that helps the other problems. She just blew off the getting the tongue tie snipped, but I must admit that Carter is doing much better with the Dr. Brown bottles now. The doctor also gave us some diaper cream for Carter because he's got an awful diaper rash. I'm really hoping the increase in Zantac and the change in formula will be the answer. I gave both babies the new dose of Zantac at 530 pm after their bottles and they have both been sleeping since and it's almost 9pm now! Woohoo!

Due Date

Today is my due date and tomorrow the babies will be a month old. Sometimes it still makes me mad/sad that they spent 9 days in the NICU. I feel like I some how was jipped, that I missed out on part of their lives, they're already 4 weeks old, yet they've only been home for 2.5 weeks. I feel like they should only be 2 weeks old, maybe 3 weeks because I've only really had 2.5 weeks of time to bond with them. It was really hard to try to bond with them in the NICU. It's hard to feel like they're your own when you can never hold them without asking someone first, when you're never allowed to be alone with them, when someone is listening to everything you say to them. I tried really hard, but it wasn't until we had them at home that I really started to bond and feel like they were mine. Because of this, I feel like I've missed out on part of their lives. I know over time I'll get over this feeling, and everyday I feel less angry and bitter about it all.

In other news, Carter hates sleep! The only way he'll sleep is on my boob, oy vey! I actually think Carter is having reflux problems like Grace did.  Poor little guy has those glassy, red reflux eyes, is always screaming when not eating, and is puking up whole feeds at least 1-2 times a day. I plan to discuss this Wednesday at their one month check-up, hopefully the Dr. will give us some meds for him. Cole took the babies from 1am-245am while I slept, I've been up since then. I don't have a lot of time to pump, well, because the babies are basically nursing 24/7, so Cole takes the twins each night for an hour or 2 and feeds them a bottle of formula. I'm okay with them getting a bottle of formula a day, it's the only way I've managed to stay sane.
I did get the babies to sleep in my wrap for almost 2 hours while I was at the Brennans' tonight.

I keep waiting for things to return to "normal" but it seems to be taking a lot longer then expected. Trying to juggle all 3 kids at once has proved to be impossible. We were unable to find a sitter Wednesday night while Cole was at hockey, so I was alone with all 3 for 2.5 hours and was a wreck by the time Cole got home, all 3 kids were crying and I couldn't make any of them happy. I hope over time it will get better and Grace will start to adjust better. Right now Grace is acting out a lot and attempted to bite Emma while I was holding her Wednesday. For now I'm just going to continue to go with the flow and remind myself that the constant nursing phase won't last forever and that eventually Grace will adjust over time.

Now, since you got through all that, here's some recent pictures:

The only place Carter will sleep, snuggled with my boob.

 Emma snuggled on the other boob.

 "Sleep! Who needs sleep!"

"

 Emma and Carter holding hands in the wrap.

Don't forget to enter the Miracle Blanket Giveaway.

Sleepy Girl

We tried to push Grace's nap back by an hour on Wednesday because we were going to Cole's cousin's house and we wanted her to sleep in the car. Well, Grace just couldn't last. I put her in her highchair for a late lunch and when I turned around this is what I saw:

Poor baby was so tired. We let her sleep for 30 minutes, then we woke her up, cleaned her up, and hit the road. Luckily she fell right back to sleep in the car!

Sleeping Beauties

God I love them!

When Cole co-sleeps with Grace we don't have to worry about him smothering her, we have to worry about her smothering him!

Is It Worth It?

The past 2 weeks have been hell, absolute HELL! We've been trying to get Grace to sleep in her crib and to say it's not going well is an under statement. Every night we try to get her to sleep in her crib and every night we fail! We've tried changing the order of bed time events, changing the lighting, changing the time, changing the sounds, changing our methods, yet every time we fail. We have made no progress what so ever and in fact she is now sleeping worse then ever.

Take last night for example: so Grace woke up from her evening nap around 6, I started dinner while she played in her high chair. She sang, I danced will I cooked, then as dinner was done, she decided she was too. So I placed her in her bouncy chair while I tried to eat dinner, no go. So, I brought her into her room to start our bedtime routine, now it's 7pm. First I changed her, gave her her medicine, gave her a massage, fed her, then we read 3 books. No sign of tiredness yet, so we started a 4th book, finally some eye rubbing and yawning. So I placed her in her crib, turned on the light show, turned off her lights and left the room @740pm.

Now the fun starts, she's fine until the light show stops, then she starts to fuss(I'm okay letting her fuss it out, but not cry it out, I just don't believe in it). After 5 minutes of fussing she's now crying, so I go in place my hand on her belly, shush her, tell her it's time for bed, turn on the glo-worm and exit the room.

Again she's fine for a few minutes, but then cries. I go in repeat the above process, leave the room and she cries immediately. I wait a few minutes again, but now she's screaming, so I go in try to calm her down, this time I don't even make it to the door before she is full out screaming again. SO, once again I go back to her crib and try to calm her down, but this time she won't calm down, so I pick her up, still screaming, walk her around the room (still screaming). Finally I leave the room, still holding her, she settles down. I decide I'll feed her and try again, but first I must pee because it's 9pm already.

I try to place her in her swing for a minute so I can pee, and she loses it, I mean absolutely loses it! She begins to scream so hard that she's not making any noise, but simply turning shades of red. She finally lets out the cries and can't stop, she now screams so hard she aggravates her reflux and pukes. I decide peeing is not that important and pick her up to calm her down. It takes a few minutes but she finally relaxes and I feed her, she falls asleep on me and sleeps for only 40 minutes and I can finally eat dinner.

Grace then decides to poop, which wakes her up. I change her and try to get her back to sleep, no go. I hand her to Daddy to see if she'll play for a a few minutes, no go! SO we start the whole bed time process again, now it's 11pm and she is still not sleeping .

We throw in the towel @ 12am with the crib and decide to walk her to sleep and then let her sleep on me, but she's so over tired and woren out from crying that this takes until 3am to work. SO, 8 HOURS after starting to put her to bed she's asleep and now I can't sleep because I'm so stressed out and we have a doctor's appointment early in the morning, which means we have to be at 730am.

So, I begin to wonder, is this worth it?
Do I really keep doing this every night?

Before we started trying to put her in her crib she was a good sleep, would sleep all night on me. And now, she's an awful sleep, has a hard time even sleeping on me!

Why did I even start this? So, she'd get a better sleep? Well that's not happening! So I'd get a better sleep? Well that's not happening either! So, I could clean my house at night? Well, I certainly don't have time for that either, because it takes 8 hours to put her to bed.

Do I just keep doing this because I that's what others think I should be doing? Is her being in her crib right now all that important?

Maybe she's just not ready yet. Maybe she needs a few more weeks. Maybe she needs some more Mommy time. Maybe she'll just be slower with letting go. Maybe she'll need me to stay a little longer than the other parents her first day of school, and maybe she'll still be a college grad living with her parents long after all her friends have moved out, just maybe. Is that really all that bad?

I'm so unsure of what to do, of what's the right thing. I know she'll eventually sleep in her crib, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. This crib thing is not making me a happy mommy. I just want to be able to enjoy her at night. I'm sick of both of us spending the night crying. Is it really worth it?

Maybe we just need to take a break for a week or two, regroup, and try again

My mommy instincts tell me she's just not ready, but I feel so pressured by society to keep trying. I'm thinking I'll probably go with my Mommy instincts and give it a rest for a while.

Who knows?

Oh Lily

So, this is how I found Lily the other day


Apparently she didn't want to lay on the comforter, so thought it was best to lay pressed against the headboard with her paws down the edge of the bed. Silly Lily!

For me

I found this post on kellymom.com, which is a great breastfeeding website, and thought I need to place this somewhere so I can read it over and over again..so this is for me, but maybe it can help you to.

"I am never on Kellymom at 4:30 in the morning but since nursing my DD back down I have found myself awake thinking about Apple and all the other desperate moms of wakeful babies who may well be awake now too.? So to get back to sleep, I've decided to write a rambling sleep diatribe.? I am the mother of a baby whose sleep was abysmal pretty much the whole first year ? naps, nights, you name it.? I rocked, paced, bounced, nursed, reordered the day, reordered my life, so the frustration, the anger, the struggle, the exhaustion, the desperation has been my own.? I will also say that I don?t know anything about regular babies and sleep.? I only know from the inside about wakeful, nonsleeping babies.? This is the voice from the future for you as my DD is now 18 months ? my perspective is different now than from where I stood a year ago.You are horrified that the sleep is as bad as it is.? You are terrified that it could get worse, or not get better.? You know that there are bumps ahead in the road, even if you had a good sleeper ? there are teeth, mobility developments, night terrors, language, illnesses, and more looming in both your paths.? You imagine that to feel like you do now and to have a baby who sleeps, or not, as it does now, is how you will feel in 2, 3, 6, 9 months more.? It overwhelms you.? You don?t know many or any other moms who have sleep issues such as you and your little one have.? You have few places to go with the enormity of your feelings and get validity that it A) sucks and B) hasn?t been caused by either your omission or commission.? God help you if you are a working mom or a single parent with one of these children.I want to address the concept of teaching a baby to sleep.? I know you read all these books and articles in the baby magazines that assert you can and should teach a baby to sleep.? Step back from that for a minute.? What does that actually mean ? to teach?? Yes, I know, leave them alone, put them down sleepy, blah blah blah, I?ve read all that advice.? Teach.? I?m asking you to think critically about what that means.? How do you teach anything?? Is sleep a skill?? Before you say yes, think about it.? Is it?? Is hunger?? Is something so hardwired into the human biology a skill?? I don?t really see how the answer could possibly be yes.? How do you teach a biological drive to develop?? How did you teach your child to know it was hungry?? Did you know your newborn was born without binocular vision?? Did you know you were?? Who taught you to coordinate your eyes to see an image together? as one instead of as two, like a horse?? Did you teach your child how to do that?? Would you know how to stop looking at the world that way now and go back to monocular vision?? It is no different with sleep.Sleep through the night.? Through the night.? Through.? The night.? That?s your goal, yes?? You have a second goal too, right (maybe it?s the more important one for you even)?? Take a nap.? A real baby nap.? An hour.? Two.? Three.? Add on these two goals: Go to sleep.? Stay asleep.? How are you going to get there?? Is it all at once?? Is it gradual?? What is enough to make you happier, better rested?? Don?t say the whole night.? It isn?t true.? It isn?t.? You need a little better to keep the hope that eventually it will get totally better.? So what is a little?? A 40 minute nap, 3 hours of sleep at night?? Step down the goal, break it into its finest parts.? You want to win the Triple Crown when your horse isn?t even running in the Kentucky Derby.? Be realistic, don?t be desperate in this stage, because the desperation will mislead you.? Your sleep deprived brain will keep you from thinking rationally and honestly.? Get someone, your husband, a friend, your mom, to help you identify the tiniest, reachable goal to give you back some hope that it will get better.? Then have them help you get a sense of humor.? You need the sense of humor. I cannot guarantee that you will have an angelic sleeper in 3 months, or even in 6,? but I can guarantee you with the certainty that someone living in the middle of the desert can probably cross ?lose house to flooding? off the worry list, that your child will be sleeping better within the coming year.? And it will probably happen gradually.? You might not even notice initially that it is getting better.? But it will.? If nothing else, all babies will outgrow the need for 4 naps a day within the first year.? I hated naptime.? At 11 months my daughter was down to 1 nap a day (yes, I did help her make the transition ? she was ready, I just helped with the timing).? These wacky parents would say to me, ?oh it?s so sad when they give up the second nap,? and I would think h*ll no, I?m in heaven, thank God I only have to deal with one nap a day.? It was a relief only you moms of wakeful babies can know.? And the nap stretched into an hour long nap.? And then 2 hours.? And then back down to 1, and then back to 2. And here?s the most critical thing:? All the bad feelings you have, all the intensity, all the rage, the hatred, the fatigue, will diminish, maybe disappear.? Your child might still get up once or twice a night at 18 months, but you will not feel about it the way you do now.? You won?t.? I hadn?t thought about this last year, I didn?t know there would be the analogy, but I was thinking about it last night so I?ll share a story with you:? ?A few years ago now, when I was in my 20?s, my first husband died.? We had been married less than 3 years.? I can remember viscerally how I felt the night he died, lying in bed in too much pain to sleep and too much pain to stay awake.? It was physical.? The earliest hit of such grief and loss is visceral.? It sears.? Drawing breath burns your lungs and you feel like not just your soul but your body has been ripped open with a jagged knife.? I lay there asking myself over and over and over how could I live the next 60 years like this?? How could I survive living with this grief, this pain for so long?? How could it be?? I didn?t know then, I couldn?t, but grief changes over time.? It becomes less physical.? It becomes less painful all around.? Do I still grieve? Yes.? Will I for the rest of my life? Yes, but not like I did in the early days.? It is an entirely different experience now.And so it is with the sleeplessness.? Except, you aren?t only waiting for the feelings you have now about the sleep to be mollified.? Eventually your child will actually sleep better.? Or your son/daughter will leave for college.It?s hard to relax about the sleep.? Really, you can?t.? But don?t mistake that for a need to ?fix? the baby.? Put your singularity of purpose to good use.? Read the Science of Parenting, learn about your baby?s still maturing nervous system, understand what happens to your baby nuerochemically when faced with bouts of crying.? Then devise a plan to help you COPE, otherwise you?re bound for frustration:? You?ll just be the grandmother who gets cold so she asks her granddaughter to put on a sweater.? And find your sense of humor.Now I can go back to bed! "