Monday, December 28, 2009

Continuing The Journey

Well, last month, wasn't the month either. (If you have no idea what I am talking about you should probably read this and this.) I was lucky enough to get my period on Christmas, Merry Freakin' Christmas! I went to the OB today and had some blood work done and picked up my prescription for Clomid. If I do ovulate, I'll call the OB, and she'll then call in a prescription for Progestrone.

This whole process has my emotions all over the place. I'm excited to be getting help, I feel like we're doing something to move in the right direction. Yet at the same time, I feel so sad. I wish that we didn't have to take this next step. I wish we were already pregnant.

It sucks to have to go to the OB's office and sit amongst pregnant women and new moms. It just feels like a constant reminder of what I want, another baby. I know we are very fortunate and lucky to have Grace. I love her to pieces, but having one child does not make the pain of wanting another any less. In fact having Grace is a reminder of how amazing having children is. I want this next child just as much as I wanted Grace.

I feel like such a ball of emotions. I hate the time between getting my period and starting to try each month, it always feels so static, I feel like I'm doing nothing to help the cause.

I hate that I feel like this whole thing needs to be a secret, like something we need to keep private. It makes it feel shameful, like I'm broken, like people will look at me differently if they know. It's hard. I wish I wasn't so sensitive, that every comment didn't sting. People don't know better but the "When you having another one?" or "One's enough, isn't it!". Any comment about having or not having kids feels like a kick in the gut. I wish I was stronger, that I wouldn't have a pity party every time I hear about someone else we know getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong I'm more than thrilled for those around us who are having babies, but at the same time I'm jealous.

It sucks. The amount of time we've been trying I could have already been pregnant and had a baby. We thought we'd at least have a baby by Spring if it took us a while to conceive...man were we so wrong. Now I'm hoping to have a baby by next Christmas.

I know I just feel like I'm going on and on, and I'm all "woe is me." I know that there are many people whose situation is a lot worse then ours, but for this moment, this day, I'm allowing myself to say "This sucks!" and "I'm sad!" Today I'm allowed to wallow in self pity. Tomorrow I'll be hopeful and cheery and I'll say "This is the month!" But for today, I'm wallowing...

1 comment:

Melissa said...

well i can very much understand your wallowing. I am here if you need to vent =)