Friday, November 5, 2010

Due Date

Today is my due date and tomorrow the babies will be a month old. Sometimes it still makes me mad/sad that they spent 9 days in the NICU. I feel like I some how was jipped, that I missed out on part of their lives, they're already 4 weeks old, yet they've only been home for 2.5 weeks. I feel like they should only be 2 weeks old, maybe 3 weeks because I've only really had 2.5 weeks of time to bond with them. It was really hard to try to bond with them in the NICU. It's hard to feel like they're your own when you can never hold them without asking someone first, when you're never allowed to be alone with them, when someone is listening to everything you say to them. I tried really hard, but it wasn't until we had them at home that I really started to bond and feel like they were mine. Because of this, I feel like I've missed out on part of their lives. I know over time I'll get over this feeling, and everyday I feel less angry and bitter about it all.

In other news, Carter hates sleep! The only way he'll sleep is on my boob, oy vey! I actually think Carter is having reflux problems like Grace did.  Poor little guy has those glassy, red reflux eyes, is always screaming when not eating, and is puking up whole feeds at least 1-2 times a day. I plan to discuss this Wednesday at their one month check-up, hopefully the Dr. will give us some meds for him. Cole took the babies from 1am-245am while I slept, I've been up since then. I don't have a lot of time to pump, well, because the babies are basically nursing 24/7, so Cole takes the twins each night for an hour or 2 and feeds them a bottle of formula. I'm okay with them getting a bottle of formula a day, it's the only way I've managed to stay sane.
I did get the babies to sleep in my wrap for almost 2 hours while I was at the Brennans' tonight.

I keep waiting for things to return to "normal" but it seems to be taking a lot longer then expected. Trying to juggle all 3 kids at once has proved to be impossible. We were unable to find a sitter Wednesday night while Cole was at hockey, so I was alone with all 3 for 2.5 hours and was a wreck by the time Cole got home, all 3 kids were crying and I couldn't make any of them happy. I hope over time it will get better and Grace will start to adjust better. Right now Grace is acting out a lot and attempted to bite Emma while I was holding her Wednesday. For now I'm just going to continue to go with the flow and remind myself that the constant nursing phase won't last forever and that eventually Grace will adjust over time.

Now, since you got through all that, here's some recent pictures:

The only place Carter will sleep, snuggled with my boob.
 Emma snuggled on the other boob.
 "Sleep! Who needs sleep!"
 Emma and Carter holding hands in the wrap.



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